what doesn't kill ya

In Which My Childhood Fear is Realized

We all have little fears as children that we grow out of as adults.  The ankle-grabber hiding under the bed?  Well he can totally go fuck himself 'cause I am heading to my bed to pass out, just TRY and stop me.  That creepy old man who lives at the end of the block?  Eh, he's just cranky because he can't have a regular bowel movement and goddamit,  TV has totally sucked since they canceled The Lawrence Welk Show.  The toilet swallowing you up spontaneously, or worse yet, wielding a nasty snake from the depths of the sewers to bite your ass off?  Well, that's impossible.  You can't fit down the toilet and snakes don't find their way into your bowl.  We're grown-ups now, and we know better.

That is, until you're a grown-up working at your grown-up-like job, and like grown-ups sometimes do, you decide to check out the day's news via your local news agency's website, and you read a grown-up tidbit about stem cell research and yet another grown-up tidbit about the war in Iraq, and then, you see THIS:

"White rats pop up in toilets"

Jesus Christ, I need armor for my ass.

No, This is Not a Hormonal Rant, Thanks for Asking

This may be uncouth and too much information, but tough crap. 

My period sucks and I'm sick of it.  I totally get that no woman on earth relishes having her period.  My "monthly visitor" is an unwelcome guest that stays seven motherfucking days every 27 days.  My flow, as it were, is unrelenting, a veritable Old Faithful in my pants.  I am seriously considering petitioning for a Super Duper Plus tampon size, because this would ease up on my trips to the bathroom for seven motherfucking days every 27 days.

And my friends, sweet thangs, say things like, "Wha?  Seven days?  Tee-hee.  Mine's only three days and one of those is just spotting," or "Super Duper Plus?  All I use is regular."  Bitches.  These are friends which, by the way, have said, "I never threw up once during my entire pregnancy!"  And instead of biting their heads off, I smile and tell them how great that is, and SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.