what doesn't kill ya

Depression:7 Heather:8

I'm back, muthafuggas.

It was close; Depression gave me a run for my money once again.  But in the end, I emerged victorious and have mopped the floor with Depression's ass.  I'd be remiss if I didn't thank my team of antidepressants and loved-ones, without whom I would surely be bench-warming indefinitely, watching the world pass me by.

This was my seventh severe depressive episode, the second in one year.  By "episode" I mean a state in which I cannot function normally and my life becomes so adversely effected that words like "intervention" and "crisis" and "hospitalization" get thrown about like all the jeans I've gotten too fat for.  Unfortunately, for me and many others, depression is a part of life.  It's something that in chronic cases must be managed as opposed to cured.  So this is what I have attempted to do since I was a teenager.  Inevitably, the valleys crop up despite all the managing, and foundations morph into quicksand and things gets tough for a spell.  This time was no different.  I lost myself for a few months.  When that "feeling" began creeping up on me in late spring, I was caught off guard and didn't even have the chance to say, WTF??  I began falling down that slippery slope, and fought the disease and myself to crawl my way out of that deep, dark well.  (My nails are fucking trashed.)  Anyway, I won't get into the gory details except to say that it was a bitch and I lost my job and ended a friendship in the process.

I basically threw blogging out of my consciousness until the last week or two, when I started thinking about blathering on via the Internet once again.  I decided to revisit posting for, uh, it's therapeutic effect and whatnot.  My opinions are back with a vengeance and I say, why the hell not? 

So I'm back for another round.

"Fall down seven times, stand up eight." -- Japanese Proverb

Depressive Dork

So I'm on leave from work for "anxiety and depression."  It goes something like this:

1. I start feeling anxious for some unknown reason. (Except for the fact that my daily dose of Kool-Aid as a kid was laced with You Suck Powder and Waiting For The Bomb To Drop Crystals.)
2. The anxiety increases and becomes overwhelming.
3. I get completely wrapped up in my anxiety.
4. I beat myself up for feeling this way (seriously, it's not like my whole life has been obliterated by a hurricane or something and I have a reason to be a mess).
5. I can't concentrate at home or work.
6. I go to my doctor (and newly added shrink and counselor) who put me on medical leave and an assortment of medications so I can "stabilize."
7. I get depressed because I can't work, which means I can't get paid, which means the savings gets sucked up, which means a shitty financial mess, add guilt, more anxiety... repeat until a fucking blubbering mess.
8. I beat myself up more for causing this ripple effect, and hurting those around me.
9. Family and friends worry. People call and I don't return their phone calls because talking makes me feel shittier.
10. I imagine returning to work.  Which I feel good about on the one hand, until I learn that my boss wants someone to sit with me when I return so I don't feel so overwhelmed.  READ:  "You fucking idiot, I never realized what a total mess you had going on here and now we can't sort through it while you're off.  So some lackey will sit with you and watch your every move so that when you go psycho ass again we're not left in a lurch."  But I could be totally wrong here.
11. I imagine returning to work again.  The parade of questions: "How ARE you?  Are you okay?  What happened?  Did your house burn down or something?  Well it SURE IS great to have you back."  READ:  You pussy.  You think everyone takes off work when they feel a little crazy?  Hmmph!  And now we all know that not only are you a fucking mental mess, but you really are a lazy ass on top of it, and that you are totally disorganized they are sooooo building a case against you. Can you say, PINK SLIP???
12. I say to myself, You dumbass, quit worrying about work.  I mean after all, it's really that easy.
13. I say to myself, Now go eat another Ding Dong and shut the hell up.